Primary and Secondary Emotions

The word emotion comes from the Latin term “emovere,” meaning “moving out.” When we allow our feelings to be expressed without psychological or physical blocking, we see that emotions are flowing and constantly changing. Just as a wave crests and falls, each moment brings a new experience to life. In heightened circumstances, we can become overwhelmed with many emotions that seem to conflict with one another. In such cases, it can become difficult to articulate what one is feeling. So how do we distinguish the difference between primary and secondary emotions?

A primary emotion is our initial reaction to an event. It is instantaneous, primal, raw, and reveals the truth of how we feel. Secondary emotions are a mental response to the primary emotion. Secondary emotions are patterns formed by our beliefs, caregivers, societal expectations, personal history, and past experiences. These beliefs and mental constructs subsequently manifest as “feelings about our feelings.”

Many people learn early in life that their sadness is a sign of weakness. We have all heard it before. “Don’t cry, be strong.” When experiences of sadness surface, so do these thoughts, which trigger secondary emotions. We scream, rage, and blame, all in an attempt to protect the vulnerable core that is feeling sad, hurt, alone, disappointed, or abandoned. These secondary emotions are often a disservice to us because they obscure the truth of how we feel.

Connecting to the root of our feelings is essential to getting our needs met. This work is a layered and multi-faceted process that takes time, but along the way, we discover the truth of who we are. The more we inquire, the more we discover. Beneath social norms and mental constructs lies the reality of our authenticity.

Sometimes it can feel like a herculean feat to undo these blocks and patterns. How do we undo a lifetime of conditioning? The answer is “one moment at a time.” It is a matter of forming a habit. Every time we make the conscious choice, we create a new neural pathway. The pathway becomes reinforced each time we permit ourselves to be honest about our experience. The first step is awareness and inquiry.

What is your defalut emotional reaction to difficult circumstances? What are some emotions that make you uncomfortable? Our feelings are an integral part of our shared humanity. By embracing the entire spectrum of human experience, we allow ourselves to be fully human.